Love Languages Part 2: Guilt Complex & A Challenge

Did you figure out your Love Language???  Each person usually has a primary love language and a secondary love language. Now, keep in mind that just becuase you  have a primary and secondary love language, that doesn't mean the other love languages don't apply to you.  As I mentioned earlier, one of my husband's love languages is words of affirmation.  That doesn't mean that if I say nice things to him all the time that I don't need to spend quality time with him, right?  Got it?  Good.

My primary love language is giving and receiving gifts, and my secondary love language is quality time.  This has created quite a cunundrum for me.  I often feel guilty that "gifts" are my love language.  Does that make me selfish?  Does that make me materialistic?  Am I trying to buy people's love?  For awhile, it truly bothered me. I had to realize a few things.
1) This is the way God made me.
2) I don't expect people to buy me gifts, but when they do, I feel good inside. 
3) If someone does give me a gift, I don't expect a diamond necklace or an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii.  (Although I don't think I'd turn those down :))  It could be a card, note of encouragement, etc.
4) For me, it's not even the actual gift.  It's the fact that someone thought enough of me to put thought into giving me a gift. 

My husband's primary love language is words of affirmation and his secondary love language is acts of service.  Huh.  As you can see, we have COMPLETELY DIFFERENT love languages.  I could choose to see this as a nusance or as a challenge that adds a little spice to life.  Honestly, sometimes it feels like both.  I don't quite have a working system, except to say that I do my best.

I challenge you to do something this week to show love to your significant other based on THEIR love language, not yours.  It shouldn't feel like something you're dreading, and it doesn't have to be something so amazing that no one in the history of the world has ever done anything so grand!  It should be fun, and it should come from your heart.  So, note to self:  make it a point to speak words of affirmation to my husband this week, and to find a way to show him love through an act of service.  Got it.  Will do it.

What will you do?

Love Languages--Part 1

When the heart is full, the lips are silent, a photo by cam ventura on Flickr.

No, I’m not talking about French, Italian, Portuguese, or Romanian. Did you know you have a love language? According to Gary Smalley, there are 5 primary love languages: quality time, giving and receiving of gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. I know there is a lot of argument as to whether or not this is true, but for the sake of this blog post, let’s say it’s true.

A quick overview:

1. Quality Time-You enjoy spending time with your significant other. It doesn’t have to be anything especially “special”; you just enjoy being together. You feel loved when someone wants to/goes out of their way/makes it a point to spend time with you.

2. Giving and Receiving of Gifts-You put a lot of thought into and enjoy giving gifts to show that you love people. They don’t have to be large gifts—even a note or card. You feel loved when people think enough of you to give you a gift.

3. Words of Affirmation-When you love someone, you tell them how good they are, how proud of them you are, how much you appreciate them, etc. You feel loved when others tell you how good you are, how proud they are of you, how much you are appreciated, etc.

4. Acts of Service-You show love by “doing” things for people-washing the car, running an errand, cleaning the house, etc. You feel loved when others “do” things for you, to help you out.

5. Physical Touch-You love to hug, snuggle, and just be close to those you love. You feel loved when someone wants to hug, snuggle, and just be close to you.

The 5 love languages theory in a nutshell: We all give and receive love differently. If my love language is giving and receiving gifts, but my husband’s is words of affirmation, it doesn’t matter how many gifts I give him (even though there’s nothing wrong with that); he needs me to TELL him that I appreciate him and love him. I, personally, have to be so careful in how I interpret my husband’s actions.

***Case in point: One of my husband’s love languages is acts of service (i.e. cleaning for me, doing laundry for me, washing the car for me, etc). He is SO VERY good at doing all of these things for me. He has every Friday off, and he usually spends it cleaning…for me. Now, at first, I thought to myself, “Awesome! He’s finally helping out around here!” WRONG ANSWER!!! I had to kick myself in the behind to realize that he was doing it to show me love—he knows how insanely busy life has been for me the past few years and has stepped in and taken over things that would have otherwise weighed me down with more “stuff” to do.

As you read the 5 choices, you may have already been able to pick out your primary and secondary love language. If you aren’t sure, go to http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ to take a little quiz. If you’ve never read the book, The 5 Love Languages, it’s a great read…there’s even a version for kids. This was great for me to learn my kids’ love languages.

I’ll be doing a series on the Love Languages, how to use them, how to figure out other’s love languages and more. I’ll be sharing what mine are, but until then, keep checking back for more posts! What do you think your love languages are?

It’s Lonely at the Top…or in the middle, at the bottom, ¾ of the way up, ½ way down, across the country, in the next room…you get the point

Do you ever feel like you’re all alone?  I have and often still do.  Sometimes one area of loneliness hits me harder than other areas, and sometimes they all hit simultaneously.  For starters, my husband, kids, and I (New Mexico) live completely across the country from our family (Michigan).  This area hit the hardest when we first moved out here.  We had lived here about 2 months and my grandma passed away.  I had just started a new job and wasn’t able to make it home for the funeral.  The next time this hit was when I had each of my 3 kids.  Family came out each time to stay with us, but that isn’t the same as having them here all the time.  This area hit me again today, as I received word that a family member passed away, and I am too far away to be there with my family.  I suppose that is what is prompting me to write this particular entry.

Other times I feel lonely because of how others see me.  I hold various leadership positions, and that makes me “un-touchable” or “un-hang-out-able” (yes, I made that word up) or “un-friend-able” (yep, made that word up too) to some.  Don’t get me wrong--I’m not whining about it—it’s just the way things are sometimes.  I get it. 

Sometimes I’m lonely because of my own faults.  In some cases it was because I was selfish.  Yes.  I was selfish.  My life became too busy/important for what my friends needed from me (it was unintentional, but it happened, nonetheless).  Because of this, I must live with certain areas of loneliness (areas where missing friends are).  I can't change the past, but I have learned from the past and am changing myself.  Other times, people haven’t been able to see past my faults.  I get that too.  I may not agree, but I get it.

I know this entry has seemed pretty depressing.  Sorry.  Here’s the up side:

God has provided us with friends that are family to us down here.  We have friends that have prayed with us, helped us, loved our kids, loved us, hung out with us like normal people, and understood us as people, not our positions.  I can’t even tell you how much that has meant to us.  I know that as a Christian, the “church” answer is that “You’re never alone; you always have Jesus”.  Even though I know that’s true, I have to be honest and say, that there’s something about having people too.  I love my family, and I am blessed that God has provided us with friends who are family to us here in New Mexico. 

If you struggle with loneliness, may I suggest a few things?  1) Examine yourself.  I try to do this often because it’s so easy to point the finger; I try to see my part in it.  Could I be more outgoing?  Have I offended someone (intentionally or not?)  2) Stretch yourself.  Whether that’s getting over shyness and asking another couple/potential friend to grab some coffee, or joining a book club—stretch yourself.  3)  Be open.  Be willing to accept people where they’re at and be open to the fact that they have strengths, weaknesses, and faults.  But hey, don’t you too?  4)  Be understanding.  Have you heard the saying “Be all things to all people”?  It isn’t possible, so please don’t expect someone to be “all things and all people” to you.  Understand that though they may be support to you, they have struggles too and may need your support.  5)  Be Honest.  Tell your friends if you need them--even if you have to tell them everyday, over and over.  (That's what friends are for!)  It's hard for a friend to fulfill expectations if they don't know/aren't sure that expectations have been placed on them. (Hope that made sense!)  6)  Above all, remember that people are people—we all need each other, but none of us are perfect people, perfect friends, or perfect family members. 

This is the part where I should add a nice paragraph that sums everything up, but I feel that I'm still learning this process myself.  So, THE END.

The Big Weigh In

Diamond, a photo by Kevin H. on Flickr.

***If you have just started reading my blog, may I suggest that you read my earlier blog postings? The train of thought I am on is not actually about gemstones, but something much deeper.***

In my series on “The 4 C’s”, I am now on the 4th and final C: Carat. The carat of a diamond refers to the weight of the gemstone. The heavier/larger it is, the more valuable it is considered to be. Boy, oh boy, do women know about carats! When someone gets engaged, one of the first questions is usually, “What does your ring look like?” and very often followed by, “How big is your ring?” Why? Because it is so easy to feel that what we have on the outside is a reflection of who we are on the inside. An example in this case: Big Diamond = Big money or Big Diamond = Big Love. We want to “look” like we have a lot of money, or “look” like we are REALLY in love hence we can afford a big diamond or because we have a big diamond, someone must have really loved us. So is the opposite true? Just because you have a small diamond, you are loved less? We all know that that’s absolutely ridiculous. Love is from the heart, not from things, and the intent behind the giving of the ring is what matters most.

Why are we so pre-occupied with the outward appearance of things? As I look to myself, I have to be honest enough to say that I am very often preoccupied with my outward appearance. Do I love to have “sparkle” in my life? YES! And if you know me at all, you know that I LOVE purses and shoes. I have to constantly re-evaluate myself. Is there anything innately wrong with having those things? No. But do I need those things? (Deep, steadying breath to self)…NO. The things that I have and how I look on the outside are not who I truly am. (Meaning: Lots of sparkle + nice purses + nice shoes does NOT EQUAL a good version of me.)

I have to know where my true self-worth comes from. I realize that I can’t answer for everyone, but I know where my self-worth comes from (or WHO my self-worth comes from). It has taken me years of learning the hard way to realize that it doesn’t matter what those around me think of me. I have to be who God has created me to be. Will I make mistakes? ABSOLUTELY, ALL THE TIME! But if I have done my best to make amends, ask for forgiveness, and move on and other people can’t see past my mistakes, hold grudges, or will not forgive, I cannot allow the reactions of others to control my life. I know that I can’t (and I don't) expect people I’ve wronged to act like nothing has happened.  When I mess up, I know that there are consequences and a healing process must occur.  But I must also control and balance my outlook on life and choose not to focus all of my time and energy on people who are negative, judgmental, finger-pointers, or those can’t get past the past.

If there were such a thing as a “personal carat weight” that measured me, would I be valuable? YES! Because just like with the giving of a diamond engagement ring, where the worth is not in the size, but in the intent of the heart that is giving it, so it is true with my life. My worth is not in the “size” of my life (however you choose to define size), but in the intent of my heart. Who I truly am, or the “carat size” of my worth is in who God made me to be.

Coal vs. Diamond

FIVE WOUNDS, a photo by dan hallett illustrator on Flickr.

***If you have just started reading my blog, may I suggest that you read my earlier blog postings? The train of thought I am on is not actually about gemstones, but something much deeper.***

***WARNING*** The “geology geek” in me is about to peek out a smidgen, but PLEASE endure and read my post…I hope that it will challenge and encourage you!

Forgive me as I take a different path for this post regarding “The 4 C’s”. My final post on “Carat” is coming soon. Did you know that coal and diamonds are made of the same thing? Carbon. The black lumps that we threaten to give naughty children at Christmas and the sparkly gems that women yearn for and men go broke over are both carbon. What’s the difference? It all depends on where they are formed. If a lump of coal finds itself (approximately) 80 miles below the surface of the earth, over time, the coal will transform into a diamond. What are the catalysts for change? Heat and Pressure. The heat comes from the Earth’s core, while the pressure comes from the 80 miles of earth + gravity pressing down on it.

Coal + 80 (or more) miles below the surface + heat + pressure + time = DIAMOND (ta-da!)

With all of my faults, I can so very easily relate to the coal. I can see others, who are “made of the same stuff” I am, but they sparkle and shine. What’s the difference? How can I transform from the lump of coal I feel that I am, into the gem I want to be? Heat and Pressure. Just like a lump of coal requires heat and pressure to transform into a valuable diamond, my life requires heat and pressure to refine me. When “the heat is on” can I make the right choices in difficult situations? And when the pressures of the world are weighing me down, I have to be strong enough to withstand the elements to become the gem I was created to be. It isn’t easy, but I have faith that the result will be worth the wait and prove much more valuable in the end.

II Corinthians 5:17 -- Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone! The new has come.

Can you withstand the heat and pressure?

I Hear You, Loud and Clear!

***If you have just started reading my blog, may I suggest that you read my earlier blog postings? The train of thought I am on is not actually about gemstones, but something much deeper.***

Continuing my discussion on “The 4 C’s” (please see earlier postings), I am now to explore Clarity.  Where a diamond is concerned, the clarity refers to the amount of, or lack of, defects in the diamond.  These defects are typically miniscule pieces of carbon that appear as black spots/specks when looked at through a jeweler’s magnifier.  The more “spots” there are in the diamond, the less valuable it is considered to be.

Clarity is something we can all appreciate; clarity in where we stand in relationships, clarity in what is expected of us on the job, clarity in the paths our lives are heading, and even clarity in the glass of water we’re about to drink—there aren’t very many people who want to guzzle down a glass of muddy water!  But let’s be honest, clarity is hard to come by.  I remember when I was kid; I wanted to be a nurse, then a geologist, then an archaeologist, then a marine biologist.  I finally settled on becoming a teacher, but it took time for the path of my life to become clear to me. 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I were a diamond, I would not have a good rating when it comes to clarity.  The gem that is my life has “spots” and scars scattered throughout it from the trials in my life.  When my husband and I were 2 poor college students looking at engagement rings, we knew a colorless diamond with perfect clarity was way beyond our budget.  But one jeweler said something that has always stuck with me.  He said that perfect clarity isn’t always the best. (Say what???) He went on to explain that each diamond’s “spots” make it unique.  Just like each person in the world has unique fingerprints, each diamond has unique marks.  If you know what to look for, you can always spot your diamond if you learn to know its markings.  As he showed me the carbon specks in my diamond, he explained that it was these spots that would make my diamond stand out from others, if I just knew what to look for.

I have so many spots in the gem that is my life: past hurts, mistakes, carelessly spoken words, and many, many more.  I could sit and bemoan my spots and how they decrease my value.  But if I risk a new perspective, I see that my spots make me who I am.  Each spot marks the place where Christ has come along side me.  And as I allowed Him to intervene, He has transformed my flaws into marks that make me unique to Him.

I value my spots, do you?

Can You Make the Cut?

71 pt. WHITE .jpg, a photo by artdoc865 on Flickr.

***If you have just started reading my blog, may I suggest that you read my earlier blog postings? The train of thought I am on is not actually about gemstones, but something much deeper.***


As I continue my thoughts on "The 4 C's" (please see earlier postings), I find myself on Cut. Gems are cut to enhance their beauty and overall “sparkle”. There are many cuts, or shapes, of gemstones; round (or brilliant), princess, marquis, pear shaped, trillion, or even heart shaped.


The picture on this post shows a raw or uncut diamond. Diamonds in this state have value, but not as much as a cut diamond. Why? To cut the diamond makes it smaller, yet it still adds value? As facets are cut they allow the true beauty and color of the gemstone to show. It is important to note that cutting a raw diamond is risky. What if the gem-cutter makes the cut too deep or too shallow? What if the gem-cutter makes a cut in the wrong place?


As I look at my life, I am like the raw diamond. I know there are things that I must cut out of my life; negativity, judgment towards others, my thoughts that stray, and in some cases, people, as well as many other things—things that I have become comfortable with. And while cutting these things out of my life is risky, every cut adds a new facet to my life that contributes to my overall “sparkle”. I trust my “Gem-Cutter” to guide me in making the cuts that will allow my true beauty and color to show, do you?


Can you make the cut?

Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend

Any girl who has looked at engagement rings (or loves some "sparkle" in her life) has been educated on "The 4 C's" of a diamond:  Color, Cut, Clarity, and Carat.  Over the next few days, I will be reflecting on how each of these 4 areas relate to me and the facets of my life.

Today, I will discuss Color.  When speaking of diamonds, the more colorless a diamond is, the more valuable it is.  The GIA has developed a scale that rates a diamond between a D-Z.  A "D" rating is colorless, or the best.  As I look at the facets of my life, I have to ask myself if I have a "D" rating.  Do I allow unwholesome things to add impurities to who I am, and thus effect my "sparkle"?  What kinds of things have the potential to add impurities to the gem God has created me to be?  My past, my ever-present weaknesses, allowing the opinions of others to shape me, and the list could go on and on. 

I am very clearly (pardon the pun), not colorless.  How can I still shine?  Proverbs 27:19 says, "As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart."  I examine the way I live my life, and thus, my heart.  I know I will never be perfect, but I strive to keep my heart in a place to reflect Christ.  So how do I shine?  The answer is simple.  I don't.  Just like a diamond does not have a source of light and cannot shine until light is pointed through it, I don't shine unless I allow Christ to be my source of light and allow HIM to shine through me. 

How do you shine?

A little about me and the purpose of my blog...

Hello!  And welcome to my new attempt at blogging.  I will admit, this is my second attempt, with my first being an utter failure.  It had no direction and I did it, just to do it. 


I think we're all pretty familiar with the the analogy of "wearing many different hats".  In life, we have many roles; woman/man, husband/wife, brother/sister, mother/father, daughter/son, worker/boss, the list could go on and on.  And like a beautifully cut jewel has many facets that each reflect light differently, so it is that each person is like a carefully crafted jewel with each facet  refelecting a different part of his/her being.  These facets can reflect personality, roles you play in life, past, present, and hopes of the future. 


This blog will explore the many hats I wear as I also discover the facets of my personality and who God created me to be.