Love is Over Used

Twilight Love, a photo by {peace&love♥} on Flickr.

“OMG! I love that restaurant!”
“Susie is so funny! I love her!”
“What would I do without my husband? I love him so much!”
“My kids are such a blessing! I love them to pieces!”

Do you ever feel like the word “love” is over used? How can I say I love Inn N Out Burger (YUM!), but I also love my husband? Or I love my children, but I also love my friends? Aren’t those all different kinds of love, yet we use the same word for all of them. I think the Greeks had it right. They had 4 words for love. Did you know that? Each one described a different type of love. Generally speaking, they are thus:

1. Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē[1]) means "love" (unconditional love) in modern day Greek, such as in the term s'agapo (Σ'αγαπώ), which means "I love you". In Ancient Greek, it often refers to a general affection or deeper sense of "true love" rather than the attraction suggested by "eros". Agape is used in the biblical passage known as the "love chapter", 1 Corinthians 13, and is described there and throughout the New Testament as sacrificial love. Agape is also used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a good meal, one's children, and the feelings for a spouse. It can also be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard. Agape was appropriated by Christians for use to express the unconditional love of God. Before agape love there was no other word to express such great love.

2. Éros (ἔρως érōs[2]) is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The Modern Greek word "erotas" means "intimate love;" however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction."

3. Philia (φιλία philía[3]) means friendship or affectionate love in modern Greek. It is a dispassionate virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philos denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as between lovers.

4. Storge (στοργή storgē[4]) means "affection" in ancient and modern Greek. It is natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. Rarely used in ancient works, and then almost exclusively as a descriptor of relationships within the family. It is also known to express mere acceptance or putting up with situations, as in "loving" the tyrant.

Reading the 4 different types of love may give you a different perspective of the types of love you have for different people/things. I challenge you to look at how you SHOULD love people and how you ACTUALLY love people. Keep in mind you may love a person in more than one way. For example, I love my husband in the philia way, the eros way, the storge way, and I strive to love him in the agape way. But if I only loved him in the philia way, then I have a problem! I challenge you to look at the 4 types of love and how they apply to your life!

Guard Your <3

Guard your heart, a photo by Josh May on Flickr.

Have you ever heard the expression to “guard your heart”? It comes from the Bible: Proverbs 4:23 says “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” There is so much truth in this verse! There are so many things that will try to worm their way into our hearts: financial stress, trouble with your spouse, difficulties with your children, job security, “stuff” that we think we need, and so much more.

The first part of Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart above all else…”. How do I guard my heart? Do you remember this Sunday School song:

“Be careful little eyes what you see. Be careful little eyes what you see. For the Father up above is looking down with love, be careful little eyes what you see.

Be careful little ears what you hear. Be careful little ears what you hear. For the Father up above is looking down with love, be careful little ears what you hear.

Be careful little mouth what you say. Be careful little mouth what you say. For the Father up above is looking down with love, be careful little mouth what you say.

Be careful little feet where you go. Be careful little feet where you go. For the Father up above is looking down with love, be careful little feet where you go.”

There’s a lot of truth to that song. But how does it apply to guarding your heart? I’m so glad you asked! You guard your heart by being aware of what/where you’re allowing yourself to see, hear, say, and go. If you struggle with gossiping, you should be aware of who you hang out with. Are they gossipers? Do they talk in a way you would be ashamed to have Jesus listen to if He were standing there? Then stay away! If you struggle with intimacy, be careful that you don’t allow your heart to be swayed by another’s attentions. Do you respond to another’s attentions in a way that you would be ashamed of if Jesus were standing there with you? Then stay away! If you struggle with sexual impurity, be careful that you do not allow yourself to view ungodly things or go into businesses that would poison your mind with things you don’t need to see/know about. Would you be ashamed of watching things at home or on the internet/going into that business establishment if Jesus were with you? Then stay away!

The job of a body guard is to, at all costs, keep someone safe—keep shifty people away, be on the lookout for potential dangers, or even dodge a bullet if needed. Are you a body guard to your own heart? Do you keep your heart safe, at ALL COSTS??? Are you watching for shifty people, potential dangers, or willing to dodge a bullet for the safety of your heart? For me, I have to be honest to say that’s a difficult question.

It’s interesting to note, that the following verses in Proverbs (verses 24-27) are: “Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. (Be careful little mouth what you say) Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. (Be careful little eyes what you see) Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil. (Be careful little feet where you go)”

The second part of Proverbs 4:23 says, “…for it determines the course of your life”. Wow…that’s a powerful statement! The choice to guard my heart or to let any intruder in, will determine the course of my life. What if you allowed intruders into your home to steal whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted? Wouldn’t that affect every part of your life? Eventually, you would have nothing left. Now apply the analogy to your heart. If you allow everything/everyone into your heart that tries to intrude (negativity, gossip, greed, ___________ fill in the blank with your personal struggle), then you allow these things to come in and steal your heart. And eventually, you will be left with nothing.

There is another old song that says, “Guard your heart. As a payment for pleasure, it’s a high price to pay.” Take a minute to think about that! It’s so easy to give our hearts away, but at what price? I challenge you to guard your heart! And remember, in all things, Jesus IS with us, whether we choose to acknowledge His presence or not.

Love Languages Part 2: Guilt Complex & A Challenge

Did you figure out your Love Language???  Each person usually has a primary love language and a secondary love language. Now, keep in mind that just becuase you  have a primary and secondary love language, that doesn't mean the other love languages don't apply to you.  As I mentioned earlier, one of my husband's love languages is words of affirmation.  That doesn't mean that if I say nice things to him all the time that I don't need to spend quality time with him, right?  Got it?  Good.

My primary love language is giving and receiving gifts, and my secondary love language is quality time.  This has created quite a cunundrum for me.  I often feel guilty that "gifts" are my love language.  Does that make me selfish?  Does that make me materialistic?  Am I trying to buy people's love?  For awhile, it truly bothered me. I had to realize a few things.
1) This is the way God made me.
2) I don't expect people to buy me gifts, but when they do, I feel good inside. 
3) If someone does give me a gift, I don't expect a diamond necklace or an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii.  (Although I don't think I'd turn those down :))  It could be a card, note of encouragement, etc.
4) For me, it's not even the actual gift.  It's the fact that someone thought enough of me to put thought into giving me a gift. 

My husband's primary love language is words of affirmation and his secondary love language is acts of service.  Huh.  As you can see, we have COMPLETELY DIFFERENT love languages.  I could choose to see this as a nusance or as a challenge that adds a little spice to life.  Honestly, sometimes it feels like both.  I don't quite have a working system, except to say that I do my best.

I challenge you to do something this week to show love to your significant other based on THEIR love language, not yours.  It shouldn't feel like something you're dreading, and it doesn't have to be something so amazing that no one in the history of the world has ever done anything so grand!  It should be fun, and it should come from your heart.  So, note to self:  make it a point to speak words of affirmation to my husband this week, and to find a way to show him love through an act of service.  Got it.  Will do it.

What will you do?

Love Languages--Part 1

When the heart is full, the lips are silent, a photo by cam ventura on Flickr.

No, I’m not talking about French, Italian, Portuguese, or Romanian. Did you know you have a love language? According to Gary Smalley, there are 5 primary love languages: quality time, giving and receiving of gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. I know there is a lot of argument as to whether or not this is true, but for the sake of this blog post, let’s say it’s true.

A quick overview:

1. Quality Time-You enjoy spending time with your significant other. It doesn’t have to be anything especially “special”; you just enjoy being together. You feel loved when someone wants to/goes out of their way/makes it a point to spend time with you.

2. Giving and Receiving of Gifts-You put a lot of thought into and enjoy giving gifts to show that you love people. They don’t have to be large gifts—even a note or card. You feel loved when people think enough of you to give you a gift.

3. Words of Affirmation-When you love someone, you tell them how good they are, how proud of them you are, how much you appreciate them, etc. You feel loved when others tell you how good you are, how proud they are of you, how much you are appreciated, etc.

4. Acts of Service-You show love by “doing” things for people-washing the car, running an errand, cleaning the house, etc. You feel loved when others “do” things for you, to help you out.

5. Physical Touch-You love to hug, snuggle, and just be close to those you love. You feel loved when someone wants to hug, snuggle, and just be close to you.

The 5 love languages theory in a nutshell: We all give and receive love differently. If my love language is giving and receiving gifts, but my husband’s is words of affirmation, it doesn’t matter how many gifts I give him (even though there’s nothing wrong with that); he needs me to TELL him that I appreciate him and love him. I, personally, have to be so careful in how I interpret my husband’s actions.

***Case in point: One of my husband’s love languages is acts of service (i.e. cleaning for me, doing laundry for me, washing the car for me, etc). He is SO VERY good at doing all of these things for me. He has every Friday off, and he usually spends it cleaning…for me. Now, at first, I thought to myself, “Awesome! He’s finally helping out around here!” WRONG ANSWER!!! I had to kick myself in the behind to realize that he was doing it to show me love—he knows how insanely busy life has been for me the past few years and has stepped in and taken over things that would have otherwise weighed me down with more “stuff” to do.

As you read the 5 choices, you may have already been able to pick out your primary and secondary love language. If you aren’t sure, go to http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/ to take a little quiz. If you’ve never read the book, The 5 Love Languages, it’s a great read…there’s even a version for kids. This was great for me to learn my kids’ love languages.

I’ll be doing a series on the Love Languages, how to use them, how to figure out other’s love languages and more. I’ll be sharing what mine are, but until then, keep checking back for more posts! What do you think your love languages are?

It’s Lonely at the Top…or in the middle, at the bottom, ¾ of the way up, ½ way down, across the country, in the next room…you get the point

Do you ever feel like you’re all alone?  I have and often still do.  Sometimes one area of loneliness hits me harder than other areas, and sometimes they all hit simultaneously.  For starters, my husband, kids, and I (New Mexico) live completely across the country from our family (Michigan).  This area hit the hardest when we first moved out here.  We had lived here about 2 months and my grandma passed away.  I had just started a new job and wasn’t able to make it home for the funeral.  The next time this hit was when I had each of my 3 kids.  Family came out each time to stay with us, but that isn’t the same as having them here all the time.  This area hit me again today, as I received word that a family member passed away, and I am too far away to be there with my family.  I suppose that is what is prompting me to write this particular entry.

Other times I feel lonely because of how others see me.  I hold various leadership positions, and that makes me “un-touchable” or “un-hang-out-able” (yes, I made that word up) or “un-friend-able” (yep, made that word up too) to some.  Don’t get me wrong--I’m not whining about it—it’s just the way things are sometimes.  I get it. 

Sometimes I’m lonely because of my own faults.  In some cases it was because I was selfish.  Yes.  I was selfish.  My life became too busy/important for what my friends needed from me (it was unintentional, but it happened, nonetheless).  Because of this, I must live with certain areas of loneliness (areas where missing friends are).  I can't change the past, but I have learned from the past and am changing myself.  Other times, people haven’t been able to see past my faults.  I get that too.  I may not agree, but I get it.

I know this entry has seemed pretty depressing.  Sorry.  Here’s the up side:

God has provided us with friends that are family to us down here.  We have friends that have prayed with us, helped us, loved our kids, loved us, hung out with us like normal people, and understood us as people, not our positions.  I can’t even tell you how much that has meant to us.  I know that as a Christian, the “church” answer is that “You’re never alone; you always have Jesus”.  Even though I know that’s true, I have to be honest and say, that there’s something about having people too.  I love my family, and I am blessed that God has provided us with friends who are family to us here in New Mexico. 

If you struggle with loneliness, may I suggest a few things?  1) Examine yourself.  I try to do this often because it’s so easy to point the finger; I try to see my part in it.  Could I be more outgoing?  Have I offended someone (intentionally or not?)  2) Stretch yourself.  Whether that’s getting over shyness and asking another couple/potential friend to grab some coffee, or joining a book club—stretch yourself.  3)  Be open.  Be willing to accept people where they’re at and be open to the fact that they have strengths, weaknesses, and faults.  But hey, don’t you too?  4)  Be understanding.  Have you heard the saying “Be all things to all people”?  It isn’t possible, so please don’t expect someone to be “all things and all people” to you.  Understand that though they may be support to you, they have struggles too and may need your support.  5)  Be Honest.  Tell your friends if you need them--even if you have to tell them everyday, over and over.  (That's what friends are for!)  It's hard for a friend to fulfill expectations if they don't know/aren't sure that expectations have been placed on them. (Hope that made sense!)  6)  Above all, remember that people are people—we all need each other, but none of us are perfect people, perfect friends, or perfect family members. 

This is the part where I should add a nice paragraph that sums everything up, but I feel that I'm still learning this process myself.  So, THE END.

The Big Weigh In

Diamond, a photo by Kevin H. on Flickr.

***If you have just started reading my blog, may I suggest that you read my earlier blog postings? The train of thought I am on is not actually about gemstones, but something much deeper.***

In my series on “The 4 C’s”, I am now on the 4th and final C: Carat. The carat of a diamond refers to the weight of the gemstone. The heavier/larger it is, the more valuable it is considered to be. Boy, oh boy, do women know about carats! When someone gets engaged, one of the first questions is usually, “What does your ring look like?” and very often followed by, “How big is your ring?” Why? Because it is so easy to feel that what we have on the outside is a reflection of who we are on the inside. An example in this case: Big Diamond = Big money or Big Diamond = Big Love. We want to “look” like we have a lot of money, or “look” like we are REALLY in love hence we can afford a big diamond or because we have a big diamond, someone must have really loved us. So is the opposite true? Just because you have a small diamond, you are loved less? We all know that that’s absolutely ridiculous. Love is from the heart, not from things, and the intent behind the giving of the ring is what matters most.

Why are we so pre-occupied with the outward appearance of things? As I look to myself, I have to be honest enough to say that I am very often preoccupied with my outward appearance. Do I love to have “sparkle” in my life? YES! And if you know me at all, you know that I LOVE purses and shoes. I have to constantly re-evaluate myself. Is there anything innately wrong with having those things? No. But do I need those things? (Deep, steadying breath to self)…NO. The things that I have and how I look on the outside are not who I truly am. (Meaning: Lots of sparkle + nice purses + nice shoes does NOT EQUAL a good version of me.)

I have to know where my true self-worth comes from. I realize that I can’t answer for everyone, but I know where my self-worth comes from (or WHO my self-worth comes from). It has taken me years of learning the hard way to realize that it doesn’t matter what those around me think of me. I have to be who God has created me to be. Will I make mistakes? ABSOLUTELY, ALL THE TIME! But if I have done my best to make amends, ask for forgiveness, and move on and other people can’t see past my mistakes, hold grudges, or will not forgive, I cannot allow the reactions of others to control my life. I know that I can’t (and I don't) expect people I’ve wronged to act like nothing has happened.  When I mess up, I know that there are consequences and a healing process must occur.  But I must also control and balance my outlook on life and choose not to focus all of my time and energy on people who are negative, judgmental, finger-pointers, or those can’t get past the past.

If there were such a thing as a “personal carat weight” that measured me, would I be valuable? YES! Because just like with the giving of a diamond engagement ring, where the worth is not in the size, but in the intent of the heart that is giving it, so it is true with my life. My worth is not in the “size” of my life (however you choose to define size), but in the intent of my heart. Who I truly am, or the “carat size” of my worth is in who God made me to be.

Coal vs. Diamond

FIVE WOUNDS, a photo by dan hallett illustrator on Flickr.

***If you have just started reading my blog, may I suggest that you read my earlier blog postings? The train of thought I am on is not actually about gemstones, but something much deeper.***

***WARNING*** The “geology geek” in me is about to peek out a smidgen, but PLEASE endure and read my post…I hope that it will challenge and encourage you!

Forgive me as I take a different path for this post regarding “The 4 C’s”. My final post on “Carat” is coming soon. Did you know that coal and diamonds are made of the same thing? Carbon. The black lumps that we threaten to give naughty children at Christmas and the sparkly gems that women yearn for and men go broke over are both carbon. What’s the difference? It all depends on where they are formed. If a lump of coal finds itself (approximately) 80 miles below the surface of the earth, over time, the coal will transform into a diamond. What are the catalysts for change? Heat and Pressure. The heat comes from the Earth’s core, while the pressure comes from the 80 miles of earth + gravity pressing down on it.

Coal + 80 (or more) miles below the surface + heat + pressure + time = DIAMOND (ta-da!)

With all of my faults, I can so very easily relate to the coal. I can see others, who are “made of the same stuff” I am, but they sparkle and shine. What’s the difference? How can I transform from the lump of coal I feel that I am, into the gem I want to be? Heat and Pressure. Just like a lump of coal requires heat and pressure to transform into a valuable diamond, my life requires heat and pressure to refine me. When “the heat is on” can I make the right choices in difficult situations? And when the pressures of the world are weighing me down, I have to be strong enough to withstand the elements to become the gem I was created to be. It isn’t easy, but I have faith that the result will be worth the wait and prove much more valuable in the end.

II Corinthians 5:17 -- Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone! The new has come.

Can you withstand the heat and pressure?